February 23, 2012

Backlog: To the wind, the sand, the green grass and the sea...

It's been a while since I've posted a blog that I wrote during my high school days, but this seems thoroughly appropriate, and it's one of the few posts that I still actually like. About 20 months ago, I stopped being an insane child and decided to listen to doctors. I stopped doing outdoor sports, and worked on exercises given to me by my multiple physios instead. I began the long and horrible process of having 4 joint reconstructions, spent countless weeks on crutches or in a sling and slowly, but surely, slumped into a state of depression. It's not something I've told many people, I don't really like to talk about it, but in the past few months something has changed and I'm aware that depression is not something to be ashamed of. I didn't let myself stay there, I fought it every step of the way, and a few weeks ago I suddenly started to become myself again. There'd been stages where I'd been better, but better was never quite me. The feeling of hopelessness that it was only ever going to be just 'better' made it worse and worse, all I wanted was to get out and be myself - the crazy insane child who was constantly out and being active and doing the things that I loved because I knew my joints were fucked anyway. Now I've decided to go back to that and it's like my personality has come back, I feel like myself again and even though my emotions still hang on a tenuous balance, I feel lighter, like my life is my own again.

With this being said, I've decided to re-blog this (with some slight amendments). It gives me hope. It puts a cheeky smile back on my face, but more importantly, it has made me me again, instead of a person who hardly recognises themself.

So to the wind, the sand, the green grass and the sea...

...it's just you and me baby, you and me.

People often wonder why I don't follow doctors orders and go surfing or kayaking or running, and while I do say that it's because of the natural adrenalin that flows through my veins, it's also because I live in a world and a society where there is so, so much pressure to do well and become something or someone, and for me, the way to escape this is by doing crazy, physically challenging things where it doesn't matter if I'm a success or a failure. It's my personal way of escaping my family who expects so much of me, the pressure I place on myself to do well at uni, my friends who I love so much but just sometimes get a bit annoying and everything else that is playing havoc with my emotions and with my brain. It's my escape because when I'm out there, in the ocean or the sand or running on the green grass, there's no one expecting me to do something amazing. When I go for a surf, I know that even if the only waves that carry me are the ones that are pummelling me beneath their rough surface, that no one will be angry or disappointed when I trudge once again on the sadly solid ground. When I'm running around the oval inhabited by ants and birds and beetles and shrubs, I'm free from the expectations of everyone and everything, and I can simply enjoy the cool wind sweeping against my face and the floating sensation that follows.

But there's more than just that. When I go for a surf, I'm amazed that there is a single body of water with hundreds of thousands of living things swimming around inside of it, and that there's somehow still room for so many oblong bumps to rise out of the water and carry me and my surfboard (whether above or below) for a few meters before I either get my head up to suck in the oxygen or before I jump back into the blue expanse triumphantly. When I've finished my run and have collapsed onto the ant-filled grass I can be amazed that such tiny creatures exist so perfectly. That is, I can be amazed until one of them bites my back and leaves me with a sore, itchy red lump. Either way, every time I go surfing or running, I'm allowed to just be me. To be a version of me who has forgotten about the world and instead to be filled with liberating freedom and wonder.

So, when people ask me why I don't follow doctors orders and go for a surf or a run, I tell them that it's because of the wind, the sand, the green grass and the sea.

It's just me and them baby. Them and me.

February 18, 2012

Lost in a moment.

I finally finally finally got to go and see Death Cab for Cutie live yesterday, and they were absolutely incredible. The only time that I stopped smiling was when Benjamin Gibbard, the lead singer, played this song. It was so beautiful and, just like a lot of other people in the crowd, it had me holding back tears...

Written at 1am last night
I have never been so in the moment as tonight. The buildup of 7 years listening to this band, and finally seeing them live - words honestly can't describe this feeling. I can hardly remember it, it's all a bit of a haze. But, as corny as this is, what I do remember I'll hold close to me forever.

Feeling like I was about to explode from joy the moment they began to play, dancing with one of my greatest friends, and standing alone in a crowd singing my absolute favourite song, wishing that it would just keep going on, and on, and on.

Festival Gardens
Ducks, ducks everywhere!
Rocking chairs!! :D

The Band
This photo courtesy of TanyaVolt Photography

February 11, 2012

Photos, Resolutions and just a little bit of Manic Smiling.

I dare you to watch this videoclip and not smile or dance or even just laugh at the clip because you think it's slightly ridiculous* :P

In the last week I've made a few resolutions about this year and next. I won't tell you what they are bar one - this year, I am going to go for a surf, and just the thought of it has had me smiling all week. I've been a bit down and out because I can't go out and do the usual crazy things that I do - surfing, jumping off of high things into some form of water, even going for a run or a long walk - all these things have been off limits for me for so long, and it's been making my adrenalin-junkie self become more than a little crazy.

Thus it has been decided that this year, I shall go for a surf. It doesn't matter if I catch a wave or not - all will be good as long as I get out on the water with a foamie or my hunk of fibreglass that I like to pretend is a surfboard, and attempt to catch some waves.

With this in mind, I've spent a lot of time doing the small exercises that I can do and attempting to exhaust myself at the beach. It feels so incredible to be tired and have sore muscles because I've been overexercising, and not because something has dislocated! Does that sound strange to everyone else?

This kind of ridiculous happiness over the decision to just get out there and do it has also got me thinking - is there something you've wanted to do for a while? Like, a persistent desire to put yourself out there and try something or get back an old skill that you might have lost? Because if there is, you should do it. Or at least decide to work towards it. Hopefully, it will excite you beyond reason and make your days just that little bit happier. Maybe you'll end up like me and walk around smiling like a maniac for no apparent reason. It's absolutely grand.

Hope you're all well (and that you like these pictures from the week's adventures) :)

Serpentine Falls. Just casually :P
Eating chips and watching the storm clouds roll in.
The young'un getting his ball suit fitted.
I think I may have been more excited than him :P
Brownie the dog - coolest canine of all time.
Oh and Hi Mum and Dad! :P
*If anyone read that and said 'mission accepted' (and succeeded), I am oh so disappointed in you. Listen to it again and ignore my attempt at humour!!!

Over and out.