I think I've finally figured out the apathy that's been enveloping me. I think I need to take time off, after Milan maybe, to just have fun. To go wild and do what I like, and ignore all the things that I'm meant to do. I need to experience that. I know I took time off before - I took a year off after school - but that was for surgery. Surgery, surgery, surgery.
I have 20 surgical scars spread across my body. They accumulated over just 22 months. That's not a lot of time to have one's body violated by steel and sutures, screws and scopes, over and over again.
It was tiring, that time off, time off for surgery. The times where I was working & studying full time, as well as having surgery, planning for surgery, that was even more tiring.
It's taken me so long to figure this out. That all of that, combined with a life that was, for a while there, so dramatic that I don't even believe half of my own stories - the stories I experienced first hand and dealt with first hand - is enough to make a person tired. To make one desire nothing but long, slow walks, coffees with friends that don't have to end as soon as they've begun, and friendly conversations with whoever is around to listen and to be heard.
I'm tired of staying up 'til 2am and waking up at 6am - working, working, working - and still feeling like I am getting nowhere, feeling static.
So I think I'll do it. I'll take time off. I'll study what I want to, or I won't. I'll sleep in or wake up early. I'll stay out late and not worry about all those things that I am not doing; I'll revel in the energy surrounding me. I'll work at a part time job that I enjoy, even if the pay isn't worth it. I'll write and sketch and read and invent. I'll lie on my bed and listen to music, just because. I can't remember the last time I did that, just absorbing the sounds, the beauty. I need that.
And then maybe I won't feel so much like the world is closing in on me and I have nowhere to go. Maybe, for the first time in years, I won't feel so tired.
|Artwork by Emerald Snow.|
Both images from this pinterest board.